ANGER
“Quality of Life Series”
11/4/03
LEADER: What makes you mad?
How do we handle it…that’s the question!
HAVE SOMEONE READ: QUOTE #1
Wishful Thinking Transformed by Thorns, p. 117.
“Of the 7 deadly sins, anger is possibly the most fun. To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor to the last toothsome morsel both the pain you are given and the pain you are giving back--in many ways it is a feast fit for a king. The chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down is yourself. The skeleton at the feast is you.” FREDERICK BUECHNER
HAVE SOMEONE READ: QUOTE #2
From: http://www.cfdevotionals.org/devpg98/de980202.htm
"Anger is temporary insanity." C. H. Spurgeon
LEADER: What does the medical profession say about anger?
HAVE SOMEONE READ: “Coral Gable Docs” Spokesman-Review, 7/29/93, p. D3.
Doctors from Coral Gables, Fla., compared the efficiency of the heart's pumping action in 18 men with coronary artery disease to nine healthy controls. Each of the study participants underwent one physical stress test (riding an exercise bicycle) and three mental stress tests (doing math problems in their heads, recalling a recent incident that had made them very angry, and giving a short speech to defend themselves against a hypothetical charge of shoplifting). Using sophisticated X-ray techniques, the doctors took pictures of the subjects' hearts in action during these tests.
For all the subjects, anger reduced the amount of blood that the heart pumped to body tissues more than the other tests, but this was especially true for those who had heart disease.
Why anger is so much more potent than fear or mental stress is anybody's guess. But until we see more research on this subject, it couldn't hurt to count to 10 before you blow your stack.
HAVE SOMEONE READ: “Dr. John Hunter” Today in the Word, June 8, 1992
The 18th-century British physician John Hunter, who was a pioneer in the field of surgery and served as surgeon to King George III, suffered from angina. Discovering that his attacks were often brought on by anger, Hunter lamented, "My life is at the mercy of any scoundrel who chooses to put me in a passion." These words proved prophetic, for at a meeting of the board of St. George's Hospital in London, Hunter got into a heated argument with other board members, walked out, and dropped dead in the next room.
HAVE SOMEONE READ: “What is Anger -The Nature of Anger”
From the American Psychological Association http://www.apa.org/pubinfo/anger.html
Anger is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage," according to Charles Spielberger, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline.
Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (Such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight), or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.
HAVE SOMEONE READ: “What is Anger -Expressing Anger”
From the American Psychological Association http://www.apa.org/pubinfo/anger.html
People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming.
1. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.
2. Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward—on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression. Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships.
3. Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.
HAVE SOMEONE READ: “The Golden Rule
From: http://www.sermonillustrator.org/illustrator/sermon2a/golden_rule.htm
LEADER: Is there a good anger?
HAVE SOMEONE READ: QUOTE #3
From: http://www.wisdomquotes.com/cat_anger.html
“Anybody can become angry, that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is not within everybody's power, that is not easy.” ARISTOTLE
HAVE SOMEONE READ: QUOTE #4
“Anger is a divinely implanted emotion. Closely allied to our instinct for right, it is designed to be used for constructive spiritual purposes. The person who cannot feel anger at evil is a person who lacks enthusiasm for good. If you cannot hate wrong, it's very questionable whether you really love righteousness.”
DR. DAVID SEAMANDS
HAVE SOMEONE READ: “Sinless Anger” 2/18/95 Our Daily Bread
From: http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb-02-18-95.shtml
BE ANGRY, AND yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger,
and do not give the devil an opportunity.. --Ephesians 4:26-27
It was impulsive! Dangerous! Maybe terribly foolish! But when Mrs. Sibert came upon a crime being committed on the streets of Detroit, she got angry and did something about it.
According to the newspaper story, she was driving along when she saw two muggers robbing a man at a bus stop. Immediately she began honking her horn. That brought a 12-gauge shotgun blast that made her car look like it had chickenpox. Undaunted, she sped through dark streets pursuing the thugs' car. The wild chase ended as the fugitives crashed into a parked vehicle and were arrested by the police.
Mrs. Sibert told the reporter, "I said to myself, I'm not going to let them get away with that! I just kept thinking of how that poor victim felt after being held up, and I guess I just got mad!"
The Bible strongly condemns sinful anger because it is so destructive. But under the control of the Holy Spirit, anger can expose and check evil. You can't miss the thunder of God's wrath in the Old Testament nor the fire in Jesus' eyes when He threw the money-changers out of the temple (Mt. 21:12-13). If we are becoming like Christ, there will be times when anger at sin is a Christlike act! --DJD
In a moment of decision,
May we find the inner grace
To choose as Jesus would have chosen,
Were He standing in our place. --Kline
It's not a sin to get angry
when you get angry at sin.
HAVE SOMEONE READ: “Holy Anger” 1/21/97 Our Daily Bread EXCERPT
From:
http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/odb/odb-01-21-97.shtml
Ephesians 4:26 makes it clear that anger has a place in the Christian's life. In fact, the lack of it could indicate spiritual weakness. The Pulpit Commentary says that anger "arms the passions quickly against evil, and operates with the force and effectiveness of an instinct. If it is mingled with malice, it becomes sinful; but if it is associated with a holy disposition, it is safe and good. Jesus hated as well as loved. The two emotions hang for their life upon each other. They are but the two sides of one sublime emotion which turns life, so often insipid and dull, into a vivid, balanced, and joyful activity. So it is with anger. Under the inspiration of a holy nature, it may flash forth with a marvelous power against wickedness, untruth, and dishonor."
Becoming angry with someone because of personal resentment or envy is sinful. But a holy anger, aroused by injustice or evil, and accompanied by a sincere desire to see God's will performed, is both healthy and effective.
Lord, help us to be angry and sin not. --RWD
When anger springs up in my heart, dear Lord,
Because of the evil I see,
Just help me to channel the wrath that I feel
And do something noble through me. --JDB
The person who's not angry at evil
lacks enthusiasm for good.
LEADER: Did Jesus get angry?
1. Jesus went into the synagogue on the Sabbath and saw a man with a crippled hand. He knew that the Pharisees were watching to see what he would do, and he felt angry that they were only out to put him in the wrong. They did not care a scrap for the handicapped man, nor did they want to see the power and love of God brought to bear on him.
2. There were other instances where Jesus showed anger or sternness. He "sternly charged" the leper whom he had healed not to tell anyone about it, because he foresaw the problems of being pursued by a huge crowd of thoughtless people who were interested only in seeing miracles and not in his teaching. But the leper disobeyed and so made things very hard for Jesus.
HAVE SOMEONE READ: Mark 1:43 And He sternly warned him and immediately sent him away
3. Jesus showed anger again when the disciples tried to send away the mothers and their children . He was indignant and distressed at the way the disciples were thwarting his loving purposes and giving the impression that he did not have time for ordinary people.
HAVE SOMEONE READ: Mark 10:13-16 And
they were bringing children to Him so that He might touch them; but the
disciples rebuked them. But when Jesus saw this, He was indignant and said to
them, "Permit the children to come to Me; do not hinder them; for the kingdom
of God belongs to such as these. "Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive
the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all."
And He took them in His arms and began blessing them, laying His hands on them.
4. He showed anger once more when he drove "out those who sold and those who bought in the temple". God's house of prayer was being made into a den of thieves and God was not being glorified -- hence Jesus' angry words and deeds. Commenting on this, Warfield wrote: "A man who cannot be angry, cannot be merciful." The person who cannot be angry at things which thwart God's purposes and God's love toward people is living too far away from his fellow men ever to feel anything positive towards them.
HAVE SOMEONE READ: Mark 11:15-17 Then they came to Jerusalem. And He entered the temple and began to drive out those who were buying and selling in the temple, and overturned the tables of the money changers and the seats of those who were selling doves; and He would not permit anyone to carry merchandise through the temple. And He began to teach and say to them, "Is it not written, 'MY HOUSE SHALL BE CALLED A HOUSE OF PRAYER FOR ALL THE NATIONS'? But you have made it a ROBBERS' DEN."
5. Finally, at Lazarus' grave Jesus showed not just sympathy and deep distress for the mourners , but also a sense of angry outrage at the monstrosity of death in God's world.
HAVE SOMEONE READ: John 11:33-35 When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and was troubled, and said, "Where have you laid him?" They said to Him, "Lord, come and see." Jesus wept.
LEADER READ: From: http://www.crusade.org/word/word627.html
There is a justified anger. We use justified anger when our anger is objective, not subjective. The Lord Jesus was angry at the Pharisees because of their hard hearts. The problem of good or bad anger revolves around the object of our anger.
HAVE SOMEONE READ: QUOTE #5
“You can tell the size of the man by the size of the thing that makes him angry.” UNKNOWN
LEADER: “When to Keep Your Mouth shut”: EXCERPTS
From: sermonillustrator.org
LEADER: 1. In the heat of anger
HAVE SOMEONE
READ: Proverbs 14:17 A quick-tempered man acts foolishly,
And a man of evil devices is hated.
LEADER: 2. When you don't have all the facts
HAVE SOMEONE READ:
Proverbs 18:13 He who gives an answer before he hears,
It is folly and shame to him
LEADER: 3. When you haven't verified the story
HAVE SOMEONE READ: Deuteronomy 17:6 On the evidence of two witnesses or three witnesses, he who is to die shall be put to death; he shall not be put to death on the evidence of one witness.
LEADER: 4. If you would be ashamed of your words later
HAVE SOMEONE READ: Proverbs 8:8 All the utterances of my mouth are in righteousness; There is nothing crooked or perverted in them.
LEADER: 5. If your words would convey the wrong impression
HAVE SOMEONE READ: Proverbs 17:27
LEADER: 6. If your words will damage a friendship
HAVE SOMEONE READ:
Proverbs 16:28 He who
restrains his words has knowledge,
And he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.
LEADER: 7. When you are feeling critical
HAVE SOMEONE READ: James 3:9 With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the likeness of God;
LEADER: 8. If you can't say it without screaming it
HAVE SOMEONE READ: Proverbs 25:28 Like a city that is broken into and without walls is a man who has no control over his spirit.
LEADER: 9. If your words will be a poor reflection of the Lord or your
friends and family
HAVE SOMEONE READ: I Peter 2:21-23 For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps, WHO COMMITTED NO SIN, NOR WAS ANY DECEIT FOUND IN HIS MOUTH; and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously;
LEADER: 10. If you may have to eat your words later
HAVE SOMEONE READ: Proverbs 18:21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit.
HAVE SOMEONE READ: QUOTE #6
From: http://www.christianglobe.com/Illustrations/theDetails.asp?whichOne=a&whichFile=anger
“90% of the friction of daily life is caused by the wrong tone of voice.”
Leadership, Vol. 1, Number 4, p. 23.
HAVE SOMEONE READ: Proverbs 21:23 " Whoever guards his mouth & tongue keeps his soul from troubles"
HAVE SOMEONE READ: James 1:19 This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger;
HAVE SOMEONE READ: “The Letter” Today in the Word, February, 1991, p. 9
Abraham Lincoln’s secretary of war, Edwin Stanton, was angered by an army officer who accused him of favoritism. Stanton complained to Lincoln, who suggested that Stanton write the officer a sharp letter. Stanton did, and showed the strongly worded missive to the president. “What are you going to do with it?” Lincoln inquired. Surprised, Stanton replied, “Send it.”
Lincoln shook his head. “You don’t want to send that letter,” he said. “Put it in the stove. That’s what I do when I have written a letter while I am angry. It’s a good letter and you had a good time writing it and feel better. Now burn it, and write another.”
LEADER: Let’s look at some techniques: From the American Psychological Association
From: http://www.apa.org/pubinfo/anger.html
HAVE SOMEONE READ: “NO MORE STINKIN’ THINKIN’” (CALL BY #)
1. Change the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow."
2. "never" or "always" Never use these words when talking about yourself or someone else. "This !&*%@ machine never works," or "you're always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.
3. Fix it? Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).
4. Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," but you are experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective.
5. Communicate Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering
6. Change Your Environment Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the "trap" you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things that form that trap. Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful.
7. Timing: If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night—perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit—try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments.
8. Avoidance: If your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say, "well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!" That's not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.
LEADER: Remember, you can't eliminate anger—and it wouldn't be a good idea if you could. In spite of all your efforts, things will happen that will cause you anger; and sometimes it will be justifiable anger. Life will be filled with frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. You can't change that; but you can change the way you let such events affect you. Controlling your angry responses can keep them from making you even more unhappy in the long run.
HAVE SOMEONE READ: QUOTE #7
From: From: http://www.wisdomquotes.com/cat_anger.html
“Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness.”
JAMES THURBER
LEADER READ: “Beauty Tips”
From: http://www.sermonillustrator.org/illustrator/sermon2/beauty_tips.htm
· For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
· For beautiful eyes, look for the good in other people.
· To lose weight, let go of stress, hatred, anger, contentment and the need to control others.
· To improve your ears, listen to the word of God.
· Rather than focus on the thorns of life, smell the roses and count your blessings, giving thanks for each one of them.
· For poise, walk with knowledge and self-esteem.
· To strengthen your arms, hug at least 3 people a day. Touch someone with your love.
· To strengthen your heart, forgive yourself and others. Don't worry and hurry so much.
· Rather than walk this earth lightly, walk firmly with determination and leave your mark.
· For the ultimate in business, casual or evening attire put on the robe of Christ; it fits like a glove but allows room for growth. Best of all, it never goes out of style and is appropriate for any occasion.
· Doing these things on a daily basis will certainly make you a more beautiful person.
· Peace Is Not The Absence Of Trouble But The Presence of God!
COMMENTS:
PRAYER REQUESTS AND PRAISES:
CUT AND DISTRIBUTE FOR READING:
“Of the 7 deadly sins, anger is possibly the most fun. To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor to the last toothsome morsel both the pain you are given and the pain you are giving back--in many ways it is a feast fit for a king. The chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down is yourself. The skeleton at the feast is you.” FREDERICK BUECHNER
"Anger is temporary insanity." C. H. Spurgeon
“Coral Gable Docs”
For all the subjects, anger reduced the amount of blood that the heart pumped to body tissues more than the other tests, but this was especially true for those who had heart disease.
Why anger is so much more potent than fear or mental stress is anybody's guess. But until we see more research on this subject, it couldn't hurt to count to 10 before you blow your stack.
“Dr. John Hunter”
“What is Anger -The Nature of Anger”
Anger is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage," according to Charles Spielberger, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline.
Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (Such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight), or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.
“Anybody can become angry, that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is not within everybody's power, that is not easy.” ARISTOTLE
“What is Anger -Expressing Anger”
People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming.
1. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.
2. Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward—on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression. Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships.
3. Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.
“Holy Anger”
Ephesians
4:26 makes it clear that anger has a place in the Christian's life. In fact, the
lack of it could indicate spiritual weakness. The Pulpit Commentary says that
anger "arms the passions quickly against evil, and operates with the force and
effectiveness of an instinct. If it is mingled with malice, it becomes sinful;
but if it is associated with a holy disposition, it is safe and good. Jesus
hated as well as loved. The two emotions hang for their life upon each other.
They are but the two sides of one sublime emotion which turns life, so often
insipid and dull, into a vivid, balanced, and joyful activity. So it is with
anger. Under the inspiration of a holy nature, it may flash forth with a
marvelous power against wickedness, untruth, and dishonor."
Becoming angry with someone because of personal resentment or envy is sinful. But a holy anger, aroused by injustice or evil, and accompanied by a sincere desire to see God's will performed, is both healthy and effective.
Lord, help us to be angry and sin not. --RWD
When anger springs up in my heart, dear Lord,
Because of the evil I see,
Just help me to channel the wrath that I feel
And do something noble through me. --JDB
The person who's not angry at evil
lacks enthusiasm for good.
QUOTE #4
DR. DAVID SEAMANDS
“Sinless Anger”
BE ANGRY, AND yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger,
and do not give the devil an opportunity.. --Ephesians 4:26-27
It was impulsive! Dangerous! Maybe terribly foolish! But when Mrs. Sibert came upon a crime being committed on the streets of Detroit, she got angry and did something about it.
According to the newspaper story, she was driving along when she saw two muggers robbing a man at a bus stop. Immediately she began honking her horn. That brought a 12-gauge shotgun blast that made her car look like it had chickenpox. Undaunted, she sped through dark streets pursuing the thugs' car. The wild chase ended as the fugitives crashed into a parked vehicle and were arrested by the police.
Mrs. Sibert told the reporter, "I said to myself, I'm not going to let them get away with that! I just kept thinking of how that poor victim felt after being held up, and I guess I just got mad!"
The Bible strongly condemns sinful anger because it is so destructive. But under the control of the Holy Spirit, anger can expose and check evil. You can't miss the thunder of God's wrath in the Old Testament nor the fire in Jesus' eyes when He threw the money-changers out of the temple (Mt. 21:12-13). If we are becoming like Christ, there will be times when anger at sin is a Christlike act! --DJD
In a moment of decision,
May we find the inner grace
To choose as Jesus would have chosen,
Were He standing in our place. --Kline
It's not a sin to get angry
when you get angry at sin.
Mark 1:43
Mark 10:13-16
Mark 11:15-17
John 11:33-35
QUOTE #5
“You can tell the size of the man by the size of the thing that makes him angry.” UNKNOWN
Proverbs 14:17
Proverbs 18:13
Deuteronomy 17:6
Proverbs 8:8
Proverbs 17:27
Proverbs 16:28
James 3:9
Proverbs 25:28
I Peter 2:21-
Proverbs 18:21
QUOTE #6
“90% of the friction of daily life is caused by the wrong tone of voice.”
Leadership, Vol. 1, Number 4, p. 23.
Proverbs 21:23
James 1:19
Abraham Lincoln’s secretary of war, Edwin Stanton, was angered by an army officer who accused him of favoritism. Stanton complained to Lincoln, who suggested that Stanton write the officer a sharp letter. Stanton did, and showed the strongly worded missive to the president. “What are you going to do with it?” Lincoln inquired. Surprised, Stanton replied, “Send it.”
Lincoln shook his head. “You don’t want to send that letter,” he said. “Put it in the stove. That’s what I do when I have written a letter while I am angry. It’s a good letter and you had a good time writing it and feel better. Now burn it, and write another.”
1. Change the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow."
2. "never" or "always" Never use these words when talking about yourself or someone else. "This !&*%@ machine never works," or "you're always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.
3. Fix it? Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).
4. Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," but you are experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective.
5. Communicate Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering
6. Change Your Environment Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the "trap" you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things that form that trap. Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful.
7.Timing: If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night—perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit—try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments.
8. Avoidance: If your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you
walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say, "well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!" That's not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.
QUOTE #7
“Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness.”
JAMES THURBER
A long time ago in China,
a girl named Li-li got married and went to live with her husband and
mother-in-law. In a very short time, Li-li found that she couldn't get along
with her mother-in-law at all. Their personalities were very different, and Li-li
was angered by many of her mother-in-law's habits. In addition, she criticized
Li-li constantly.
Days passed days, and weeks passed weeks. Li-li and her mother-in-law never
stopped arguing and fighting. But what made the situation even worse was that,
according to ancient Chinese tradition, Li-li had to bow to her mother-in -law
and obey her every wish.
All the anger and unhappiness in the house was causing the poor husband
great distress. Finally, Li-li could not stand her mother-law's bad temper and
dictatorship any longer, and she decided to do something about it. Li-li went to
see her father's good friend, Mr. Huang, who sold herbs. She told him the
situation and asked if he would give her some poison so that she could solve the
problem once and for all.
Mr. Huang thought for a while, and finally said, "Li-li, I will help you solve
your problem, but you must listen to me and obey what I tell you." Li-li said,
"Yes, Mr. Huang, I will do whatever you tell me to do."
Mr. Huang went into the back room, and returned in a few minutes with a package
of herbs. He told Li-li "You can't use a quick acting poison to get rid of your
mother-in-law, because that would cause people to become suspicious. Therefore,
I have given you a number of herbs that will slowly build up in her body. Every
other day prepare some pork or chicken and put a little of these herbs in her
serving. Now, in order to make sure that nobody suspects you when she dies, you
must be very careful to act very friendly towards her. Don't argue with her,
obey her every wish, and treat her like a queen."
Li-li was so happy. She thanked Mr. Huang and hurried home to start her plot of
murdering her mother-in-law.
Weeks went by, and months went by, and every other day, Li-li served the
specially treated food to her mother-in-law. She remembered what Mr. Huang had
said about avoiding suspicion, so she controlled her temper, obeyed her
mother-in-law, and treated her like her own mother. After six months had passed,
the whole household had changed.
Li-li had practiced controlling her temper so much that she found that she
almost never got mad or upset. She hadn't had an argument in six months with her
mother-in-law, who now seemed much kinder and easier to get along with. The
mother-in-law's attitude towards Li-li changed, and she began to love Li-li like
her own daughter. She kept telling friends and relatives that Li-li was the best
daughter-in-law one could ever find. Li-li and her mother-in-law were now
treating each other like a real mother and daughter, and Li-li's husband was
very happy to see what was happening.
One day, Li-li came to see Mr. Huang and asked for his help again. She
said, "Dear Mr. Huang, please help me to keep the poison from killing my
mother-in-law! She is changed into such a nice woman, and I love her like my
mother. I do not want her to die because of the poison I gave her".
Mr. Huang smiled and nodded his head, "Li-li, there is nothing to worry about, I
never gave you any poison. The herbs I gave you were vitamins to improve her
health. The only poison was in your mind and your attitude towards her, but that
has been all washed away by the love which you gave to her".
MORAL: have you ever realized that how you treat others is exactly how
they will treat you? In China it is said: the person who loves others will also
be loved.
"Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye
even so to them." Matthew 7:12 (KJV)
http://www.sermonillustrator.org/illustrator/sermon2a/golden_rule.htm